Paradox of Being the First and Only One
BY GABRIELLE PRAWL, Sr Art Director at Razorfish NYC
I’ve always carved out my own space in spaces that weren’t designed for me. Taking the path that was my own because the ‘traditional’ paths weren’t written with me in mind. I hope in sharing my first two years in advertising that First Gen grads walking out of college today see that there are many paths to success and they are free to make it their own.
So I guess I’ll start with preparing for life after graduation.
Back then I thought being top of your class with 3 degrees would make finding an internship easy. What I didn’t know then was I needed a network more than I needed all of those degrees. After numerous no’s, I finally caught a break when an instructor gave me my first network tap. It was the email of a senior exec at one of the ad agencies that turned me down. I did my research and wrote a compelling email on strategic advertising. The next day the person who told me no had called to say a spot would be created for me.
Being a first generation college student is an amazing accomplishment. You step into becoming a generational trailblazer and it’s only the beginning of many firsts to come. Being the first also means your point of reference for navigating the trails ahead will be limited. I spent hours finding the perfect professional pants suit and getting long straight hair to look “the part”. Ironically, I remember later staring at a fellow intern’s t-shirt dress featuring a rapper rocking his afro and thinking I could never. Day One, I walked in and immediately knew I was going to be the only one. I was so distracted looking for another person of color I could hardly hold a conversation. We took our intern photos with me in a full blazer, blouse and dress pants; everyone else in jeans, t-shirts and a flannel.
I worked hard during that internship like my parents told me–work 10 times harder. I felt even more compelled to prove my worth given I was the addition that wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place. As much as I was killing it during that internship I still struggled to find my place. Giving sweater advice to customers at Macy’s did not prepare me for this new world of power dynamics, office party culture and inappropriate behavior which looked nothing like the sexual harassment courses you take as a cashier. Our internship wrapped with a presentation in front of leadership and I thought for sure I secured my permanent seat but that didn’t happen. The final week was spent faking smiles as people offered their words of encouragement: “you were so amazing,” “keep your head up,” and “wow, I really thought they were going to hire you.” To me everyone was acting as though it was my career funeral and I was only 4 months in. After that one internship I got a lot more yes’s applying to several research firms and ad agencies; one of which was founded by a woman of color.
At the time, I felt propelled into a fast lane which I wasn’t sure I wanted and while all smiles, I dealt with some serious issues. By day, I was on my game and as soon as I stepped out of that office severe depression would kick in. The weight of hiding a toxic relationship and fitting into a world in which I couldn’t show up as my full self was taking its toll. Post-Graduation Depression is real and no one prepares you for it. Transitioning into a world where you can’t ask your parents what a pitch dossier should look like or your aunt how to confidently present to a room full of men. But there was one huge difference about this internship; this place had Betti Fujikado. It was my first time working directly under a woman in leadership and still one of the few times in my 9 year career; even more rare a woman of color. I asked for a meeting with Betti early into that internship to ask all my many questions on making it. In one of our then regular sit downs Betti asked me, “where do you want to be in 10-20-30yrs in this industry – Strategy Director, Creative Director, ECD or maybe running an agency?” This was the first time someone other than a friend or family member had asked me to dream bigger. Growing up in a predominately white school system you’re often asked to do the opposite– told your dreams are too big and to reach for less. Instead, the woman whose name was on the door was asking me what I wanted from the top-shelf. I basically said, “Yes! I’ll take it all”.
From then I started planning for bigger while honestly still playing it safe. I applied to grad school - both Ad Schools and MBA programs because going all in on a creative career seemed too risky. While waiting for a response I took a media job making great money for a new grad. I was killing it but talks of a permanent position with a nice salary was actually giving me deep anxiety. When my acceptance letters came in I chose an Ad program in the UK with a scholarship. It was one of the best decisions of my life.
Year Two in advertising started 4,799 miles away from home. By then, I had taken huge leaps, knew my worth and ran with it. Continuing to forge my own path I built my own network in a city where I knew no one. I grabbed coffee with as many ad execs as I could, got my portfolio in inboxes, picked up briefs left and right, agency stints wherever I could and eventually my first accolade; a D&AD Pencil. A couple months later I’d be working directly under the President of D&AD.
There are times when being the “first” and the “Only One” can create an unsettling paradox because your degree of reference for success starts and ends with you. Now, I often get asked, “what will it take for more POC and especially Black women to make it in advertising?” For that to happen we must be intentional about getting out of the way and letting others thrive. You can’t stand in someone’s way and simply say, ‘I just want you to know I’m not blocking you.’ If we intentionally step aside and let people flourish unapologetically; great ideas will spring up, great leaders will step up and brave individuals will change the culture for the better.
For my fellow First Gens navigating their next phase of “firsts” I leave you a few tips:
Create your support system of rockstars just like you and lean on them.
Remember you deserve to be there and more importantly “we” need you to be there.
Know your worth and then triple it because you’re likely underestimating yourself.
Don’t forget to walk your walk. What’s the point of talking directions from a map not written for you. You’ve got this.
Gabrielle Prawl
Sr Art Director at Razorfish NYC
